My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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