aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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