I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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