I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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