if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
