I am midnight drunk by noon
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
