I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
