so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
