Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
where are my eyebrows?
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