sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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