he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
