that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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