I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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