im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
