My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
