We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
