Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
