turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
