Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
