and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
