Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
