His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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