I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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