i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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