I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
