I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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