I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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