last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He better not be in your backpack
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
