I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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