all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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