Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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