Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.