My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
