Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
