Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
