well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
