I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
