i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
