is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
