I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
