he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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