fuck your aforementioned shoe
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
