i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
