what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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