Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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