Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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