I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
