I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
