We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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