i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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