I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize