All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
