When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
