I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
