my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
