I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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