I'm so fucking centered right now
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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