I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
