I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
